~SusanneUK~ Sues Digest

This morning I was going through my usual Google Alerts, I have a few and one of them is for anything happening in “Swansea, UK” because basically, I live just down the road, well ok, about ten miles away.. anywho… the very last one alerted me to a blog called “A Day in the life of..” by ‘Norbert’.

If you go have a read you will see that Norbert had a right old time of it recently with trying to get something done by his bank via the telephone, he wrote an extremely amusing account of the whole thing.

Anyway, after reading that, it reminded me of an article that was published in the ‘New York Times’.  The articled showed an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a, then, 96 year old woman, the manager of said bank thought it amusing enough to get it published.

Now I found this letter via a forum (I am a member of many so please don’t ask me which one) and unfortunately, I can’t therefore credit a) the person who posted it to the forum or b) the original author of the letter (and indeed, not the bank manager either) but trust me when I say, this is not my work.

I am sure many of you may have come across this before but it is so funny it warrants getting published in this blog and I am sure also that there will be many people who have never seen this.  I am from the UK but I think pretty much most people will be able to sympathise with this wonderful 96 year old woman who deserves a medal and gets deepest respect from this simple blogger.

This is it, enjoy:

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nano seconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire income, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be counter signed by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press the buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.

2. To query a missing payment.

3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.

8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year.

Your Humble Client